Law v. Life

Trying to please people?

“Eager to please.”  That’s the phrase that Emma Watson used to describe herself in a recent interview.  She seems like an intelligent young woman with the potential to have a great career ahead of her.  But that phrase just struck me.  Because it defines my entire life.  Or at the very least, it has defined a lot of my entire life so far, and I’m working on changing that.

It’s interesting to hear that from an actress, because I think it’s typical, but not well recognized.  Already an eager to please child, in school and at home, acting was the perfect fit for my personality.  By eighth grade, my passion in life was being on stage.  It was the time I felt most alive.  Sure there was applause at the end, but being on stage was actually the only escape from the need to please and fear of failure.  Whether it was a three-minute scene in acting class, or a two-hour play, during that time I was someone else and I no longer had to worry about whether people liked me or if I was good enough, because it wasn’t really me.

But at the same time that performing took away that pressure temporarily, auditioning is self-imposed torture for someone with an unhealthy need to please.  You are saying, “Look at me.  Am I good enough? Am I better than everyone else?  Am I the very best?”  And, even though many factors go into casting, if you don’t get the part you want, it is a clear message: “You are not good enough.  We don’t like you.  We don’t want you.”  

People who are not performers often assume that actors are self confident and outgoing, but the vast majority I’ve met are shy and insecure and acting is a way to escape or mask those parts of themselves.  Obviously that's not universal, and many actors are able to move past those weaknesses.

I think it is much the same with lawyers.  Most people who become lawyers were the children who always did the best in school, and that is often accompanied by an almost sycophantic need to please.  Many of us earned praise from our parents and teachers based upon our grades and that is how we learned to derive our self worth.  That’s why it can be difficult for law students who go straight from undergrad to law school and then discover for the first time in their lives that they might not be able to get straight As any longer.  Many lawyers prove their worth to themselves and the world by their material success, win-loss records, articles published, committees joined, and other professional type accomplishments.  Just like actors, it’s not universal, and it doesn’t have to be permanent, but it is definitely common.

So, without the praise, who are we?  How do we know we’re good enough without hearing it from the sources we have deemed worthy?  Shouldn’t we just “believe in ourselves”?

The presentations on generation-X, generation-Y, and the millennials all say that for the last few decades, parents, teachers, and society have been going overboard teaching every child to have self esteem.  There’s merit in that perspective, but no matter what the trend is in pop psychology, it doesn’t change the fact that some people are going to be more insecure and have a greater need to please.  And in every generation, I think that type of people is likely to make up a large percentage of the lawyers (and actors).

What’s the answer?  Should I just try harder?  How do I know when I’ve done enough?  I think the answer is a major shift in perspective.

As a Christian, I am at a point where I am finally able to see clearly how important it is for me not to derive my self worth from others – or from myself.  My worth – my perfection, even – comes from God.  He made me in His image, to do His work, and He is pleased with me.  I can probably never be eager enough to please God, but I am being unfaithful to Him when I am eager to please others.  I have been moving in this direction for several years now, but I am committed to replacing my eagerness to please with an eagerness to please Go  Even though objectively it is impossible to live up to the standard set by Jesus, it is incredibly freeing to begin to trust that there is no other standard that matters.

Snow is on the ground

I am on my way to say goodbye to the guy.  I've already broken up with him, but this is our "goodbye date."  It is going to be heartbreaking, but I know I made the right decision, and I also know that I want to see him one last time.  I'm sad.

I haven't posted in over a month, and it was getting sporadic before that.  I worked an insane amount and then I got very, very sick.  I fell in love and then discovered we were simply not going to be compatible long term.  I watched one friend get married, another leave the country for a year, and another learn of a horrible illness in the family.  Baseball season ended, and I watched more college football than I have in my entire life combined.  Things I thought I could count on have been a little turned upside down recently, I guess.

It has been a very challenging few months, but I know I have many wonderful friends and the strength of God.  I'm hopeful that the first Sunday of Advent will begin a season of joy in my life tomorrow.

I believe

As a Christian, Easter is obviously a big deal.  I love Easter.  This year, the three church services I attended really reinforced the message of Easter, including what it takes to believe in the resurrection and what we gain from believing.

Last night, at 11pm, I attended the Easter vigil.  This was an intimate service, telling the story of the resurrection and focusing on what it is that prompts us to believe - is seeing believing?  Mary Magdalene wept when she discovered the empty tomb, but when she saw Jesus, she believed, and went and told the good news.  But was it because she saw Jesus that she believed...? Or is there something more or different to why we believe as Christians.  There had to be more for Mary because when Jesus told her that he was returning to the Father, that was something beyond comprehension and certainly beyond her ability to see, yet she believed.  At the end of the vigil, just after midnight, we went outside, singing, and greeted Easter with cries of "He is risen!"  In the cold and dark, it was such a wonderful contrast to welcome the joy of our salvation.

This morning, I was back at church at 7am for the sunrise service offered by the youth.  It was touching how much effort they put into the service, and encouraging to see so many young people who love God so much.  The message was about the amazing grace God offers us in salvation, and touched on the story of John Newton, the slave ship captain who wrote the famous hymn after he experienced God's grace in forgiving the sins he had committed against humanity.  It also incorporated a video about a father who has to sacrifice his own son's life to save the people on a train headed for death, which ultimately results in joy for the passengers and for the grieving father.  Hearing the high school girl who delivered the message speak about God's love and sacrifice and the grace that all people can receive through Jesus was a very sweet way to begin to celebrate Easter this morning.

Finally, I headed back to church one last time, for my regular contemporary service at 11am.  Although the lead singer is currently taking a break from leading us in worship, which means the music is not quite as strong or powerful as usual, nevertheless, it is in the songs that I am able to experience the most complete joy.  It is impossible not to leave filled with joy and hope and gratitude after singing out that Jesus has conquered death and redeemed us.

As I drove home, I was also thinking about the love and gratitude I will always feel towards my college boyfriend because he is the person who ultimately helped lead me to Christ.  Other friends played a role in readying my heart, but he was the one who helped me fully open my heart to the holy spirit.  We had never had a real conversation about religion, but one day he casually suggested that I read the Bible while he studied, and for some reason I accepted the Bible he offered me. 

As I read the Bible, at first just to make him happy, I was gradually overwhelmed by the knowledge that I believed.  It terrified me, but I actually believed what I was reading.  It wasn't because I could see God or had experienced any definable miracle, and it wasn't because I was persuaded that there was a particular historical accuracy or logical reason to accept what I was reading.  It just was.  I just believed.  And I couldn't deny the power of God and the awe I felt at God sending his son to die for my sins and give me new life.  As I explored what that meant and how I could allow my salvation to transform me, I experienced joy and peace and hope in a way I had previously never imagined.  I have been horribly unhappy at times in the decade since, but I have never been without hope and joy, because God's grace and love are endless and my eternal life was bought by Jesus long ago.

When you are in a relationship, or shortly after it ends, you think that person will always be a part of your life, or you will always remember them, or be affected by the time spent with them.  After three longterm relationships, and various other relationships, I don't generally think that is true.  You learn from each relationship and who you are is shaped by everyone who passes through your life...but you forget the actual people as they fade from your memory. 

For four-and-a-half years, my college boyfriend was my best friend in the world (and it was the same with the other two serious relationships).  We were together all day every day or spoke on the phone at length when we were apart.  No experience or thought was complete until we shared it with each other.  We loved each other's company, we respected each other's opinions, and we thought our bond was so strong it would never be broken even if we broke up.  Now, it is like I never knew him.  We are occasionally in touch, but it is like he is someone I once knew, not even like he is a real person.  I don't miss anything about him.  And I have no anger or sadness or any emotions towards him.  It just gradually faded away until it was like our relationship never happened.  Who I am was shaped in great part by the time I spent with him, but today, he could have been anyone.  My experience has been the same with each other relationship, that they gradually fade away until the individuals cease to exist.  Every relationship has taught me things, but where and how I learned what I know and became who I am is not tied to any specific person in my consciousness.  But my faith will always be tied to him, and for that I will always love him.  So this is me wishing him a happy Easter and saying thank you.

Wholly boring

I think my blog would be far more exciting if I spent more time drinking and less time at church.  But given that it is Holy Week, I suppose the balance is in the right direction.  Last Sunday, I gave a presentation in a "going green" Sunday school class in the morning, then went to my regular service, and led a two-hour Seder in the evening.  Monday I had a church activity that was canceled (so I got to go out for an uneventful St. Patrick's Day), Tuesday I had dinner with a church group I am part of, Wednesday I rehearsed for the short play I am in tonight for our Easter Vigil, Thursday I had a meting related to the council I am on at church and then attended the Maundy Thursday service after canceling our small group so that people could go to church, Friday I would have gone to the Good Friday service, but couldn't get out of work, today I rehearsed again, tonight I will attend the Easter vigil (and perform the play), tomorrow I will go to the sunrise service, and then immediately leave for Cleveland to attend church with OLS and her family, as they have adopted me for all Christian holidays. 

It isn't unusual for me to spend a fair amount of time on church activities, but this week was just ridiculous.  But, like I said, it is Holy Week, so maybe God decided I needed to be a little more holy.  Next week, I have church activities Tuesday and Thursday evening, but other than that I have nothing scheduled outside of work all week!  So maybe I can catch up on the unholy side of my life, or at least go out and watch some basketball.

Drowning is not uplifting

Today's sermon was so depressing.  I may have been in the minority in viewing it that way, but it was.  The title was "Candidate for Consolation," which was inspired by the primaries. 

[Aside: A couple weeks ago, the minister used photos of all the candidates to tie into some point he was making; this week he no longer had a photo of Edwards.  And during his sermon he made a comment to the effect of, "Will it be Hillary or Barack?  It probably won't be John."  And yet he later referred to both Fred Thompson and Ron Paul with no such disclaimer.  This is why primaries are meaningless.  Rather than actually make an informed choice about who they want to vote for, people simply accept the media commentary that decides the nomination prematurely.  I'm not blaming my minister for this; it just bugs me that it is so pervasive.  And that there was no picture of Edwards to enjoy.]

So, anyway, the concept was that most of the candidates will soon have to face defeat, and that all of us face discouragement and disappointment in our lives, including those who are cultural heroes, those who seem to have it all, and those who are Christians.  The message was about praising God in the midst of trials and finding strength in Him when life is too much for us... and that it is normal to experience despair in the course of our lives, and it doesn't mean we are un-Christian.

To illustrate his point, and I guess to show how great praise can come out of great sorrow, the minister told us about Joseph Scriven, who wrote the poem which became "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."  Well, young Joe was living in Ireland in the mid-1800s and he fell in love with a young woman.  After two years, when Joe was just 25 years old, they became engaged.  But on the eve of their marriage, as poor young Joe waited on the riverbank for his bride-to-be to ride across a bridge on horseback, she was thrown from the horse and drowned.  While Joe watched. 

Heartbroken, Joseph left home and moved to Canada.  Several years later, Joseph fell in love again.  Oh, but this is not where the praise began.  No, this is no story of second chances.  Joseph became engaged to the second woman, but he could not marry her until she joined the Plymouth Brethren, the faith he followed a bit fanatically.  So, because this 23-year-old woman loved Joseph and wanted to share his faith and marry him, she was baptized as required, by full immersion.  Outdoors.  In Canada.  But guess what happened then?  She got sick and died.  Yes, two fiancees in a row died.  But I'm sure her devotion and fervor were appreciated.

Sometime after the death of his second fiancee, Scriven wrote the famous poem, and sent it to his mother back in Ireland when she became sick.

And then there is the ending to the story, which my minister left out.  After years of ill health and depression (shocking!), at age 66, Scriven spent the evening with friends one night, and at some point he "wandered" out.  His body was found the next day in Rice Lake (the lake where his second young bride-to-be was baptized).  Whether his drowning was suicide or accidental is unknown.  No matter what the words to the song are, the story of a man who drowned after losing two fiancees in tragic accidents did not offer me any consolation.

Maybe our next church play could be The Devil and Joseph Scriven. 

The facts of life

The Good:
- I am feeling kind of generally content lately, kind of like everything in my life is going along the way it should be...even if it doesn't feel very enjoyable in the moment.
- The Indians are in the postseason!  It's been a long time since October has been fun, and it's nice to see the re-building/development of young players theory coming to fruition. 
- Church has been very satisfying lately, with good worship and sermons, and our young professionals group might be gaining a few new members.  And I made apple pie for our open house this afternoon and it was very good and demonstrated my domesticity.  I did not wear an apron.
- I'm looking forward to the YLD conference this coming week, although I don't know what to wear to the dinner dance.  Which is obviously a top concern.  I'm really looking forward to Charlotte...
- I have an oral argument a couple hours before my flight Thursday which should be fun since there is not too much at stake for the client so I can just enjoy myself.
- Did I mention, four days until the Indians begin their sweep of the Yankees?!

The Bad:
- Work is stressing me out so much that I feel kind of nauseous all the time.  My firm cares and is trying to improve the situation, but I'm not feeling too optimistic that it will ever get better.  It really doesn't feel okay.
- Things are on the bad side of normal with my sister, i.e., she isn't hospitalized but probably should be or will be before long.  And I'm worried about my stepmother's health, too.
- My sociopath ex just got engaged to a very young girl who he has treated in many of the same destructive and manipulative ways that he treated me, and she knows it and accepts it and it makes me really sad in a lot of ways.
- My car needs repairs, so I am about to buy a new car that I can't really afford.  This will also be very good, but thinking about the financial side of it is not so much.  And even making the time to buy the car is stressful.

I'm ready for this coming week to tend towards the good side.  First I have to listen to (and respond to, I suppose) my 14 voicemail messages that filled up my phone's entire capacity on Friday, write a supreme court jurisdictional brief, prepare for a mediation, respond to some discovery requests, write some bad news emails to clients (because I apparently have the "golden tongue" for these type of emails ...although that would really be fingers), drive to two cities in the next two days, enter the rest of my time for September, get a continuance of a trial scheduled for this week, and that's just the stuff I can remember right now!  And get my nails done and hopefully manage to get in a row tomorrow night.  And I think I have a meeting Tuesday night for something.  But four days from now I will be in Charlotte with no responsibilities other than to "network" and watch the Indians win.  Just four more days of real life...

Station I'm Playing

In contrast to yesterday's post, I wanted to share something that I am actually a little embarrassed by.  I have started listening to Christian radio (music, not talk!).  In particular, I now have my radio tuned to 104.9 The River, more than any other single station.  Several times at church I had heard members of the band mention this station, and I had tried it a couple times.  In the past, I never liked the songs that happened to be on because they were either too country for me or I thought the lyrics were dumb or just in general I didn't really like the music.  But about a month ago I flipped to 104.9 again, and they were playing a song I knew from church, so I kept listening.  And I have just kept listening.  There are still a few songs that I just can't stand, and I am not a fan of the people calling in with their sappy stories like it's some kind of dedication show, but overall it is amazing how much more positive I feel when I'm listening to that type of music.  Regular music doesn't make me feel negative and I enjoy it, but it is different.  Hearing praise just can't help but re-focus me and make me have a better outlook.  And it's funny, I often find the lyrics running through my head at the most random times.  Which is a great thing, because it is like a subconscious way to keep me focused on God.  I haven't gotten up the nerve to play it while anyone else is in the car, but I am really grateful that I gave it another chance and found something that can remind me to think about God throughout the day.

We Believe Ohio: A good mix of religion and politics

We are called as people of faith and loyal Americans to be united in dialogue and action to say:

YES to justice for all

            NO to prosperity for only a few;

YES to diverse religious expression

            NO to self-righteous certainty;

YES to the common good

            NO to discrimination against any of God’s people;

YES to the voice of religious traditions informing public policy

            NO to crossing the lines that separate the institutions of Religion and Government

This is the mission statement of We Believe Ohio.

As usual, I was reading my Friday Daily Reporter a few days late, and I was pleased to see that the top story was about We Believe Ohio, a non-partisan faith-based group encouraging religious leaders and their congregations to know the issues and vote according to their beliefs.  What is exciting about this organization is that it is not driven by any specific political agenda.  Far too often, when religion and politics mix, it is all about politics and not remotely about religion.

To an extent, I think the article in the Daily Reporter was slightly misleading because it quotes Eric McFadden, the spokesperson for Catholics in Alliance, at length, making it seem like We Believe Ohio is advocating specifically Catholic values.  I don’t disagree with anything Mr. McFadden is quoted as saying in the article, but what makes We Believe Ohio so unique is that it is a group of religiously diverse pastors, priests, rabbis, cantors, and lay leaders.  What binds this group together is “a deep and abiding love of the God whom we serve” and a “strong belief that we must act and speak in public ways to support the poor, the children, and those who are voiceless and unrepresented in our times.”

I was at the Get Out the Vote Rally for Justice last Thursday at which Reverend James Forbes, Sister Simone Campbell, and others spoke about the issues that are important to We Believe Ohio, and which should be important to all people of faith.  They did not tell the room of 200+ people how to vote or how to tell their congregations to vote. 

But they did acknowledge the simple fact that the current minimum wage is not livable.  And they did question whether the United States’ foreign policy and the ongoing war is consistent with religious principles.  And they discussed the demise of the environment and policies that appear to place profit over survival of the planet.  And they did talk about the need to rehabilitate criminal offenders rather than just lock them away.  And they took offense at allowing an unconstitutional school funding scheme to continue while giving lip service to protecting children.  And they urged the return of accountability and responsibility that has been destroyed by politicians who flout common ethics, abuse our trust (and our children), and break the law. And they touched on many other election issues that require people of faith to ask whether the politicians and policies they are voting for really support the common good.

It was awesome to hear religious leaders talk about faith informing politics, but not seek to have it control policy or coerce people into blind support.  I hope that people of faith really do examine their most deeply held values this election year and vote their conscience, on behalf of the common good.

God's healing power

This is a long post because I have so much inside me that I am excited to express.  I am reading The Cup of Our Life by Joyce Rupp for a small group I am in at church.  I am not a big fan of the book and find the cup imagery to be forced and Rupp's prose and poetry to be shallow and downright annoying.  However, the big picture ideas are good and I like the structured journaling.  A lot of amazing reflection and prayer has come from those elements of the book, so I am grateful for what it has to offer, even if I don't really like it in its details.  Anyway, today, the theme was "the mended cup" and was about the way God heals.  As I spent some time thinking about how God has healed me and how I still need healing I was overwhelmed by God's power and how much I realized he has done to heal me that I don't really recognize or appreciate.

The sociopath ex (SE) broke me in so many ways, and although I have known I wasn't there yet, I have always believed God had the power to heal me and would do so in His time.  I think that is probably my strength, that I really do trust that God can heal all things.  I certainly have weaknesses like fear and self doubt and doing self destructive things that interfere with God's will, but I do trust in His power to heal.  I can imagine pain so great that it seems impossible to heal (the death of a child, watching someone you love suffer horribly, etc.), but even though I don't know how one would heal from those things, I completely believe God has the power to do it.  And even though I often think I can never recover from what SE put me through and left me feeling about myself in the end, I know that God wants to heal me and if I let him I will eventually be free of that pain.

Well, I have had a long time to heal.  I no longer think about SE, except when something really forces me to, and even then it is usually no big deal.  I was shocked when I realized he is only one or two degrees away from me again, but except for the immediate feeling of nausea when I found out, I don't really think about it or worry about running into him or anything like that.  I haven't cried about him in forever.  I don't miss him.  I don't wonder what I could have done to make it work out.  (What crazy thinking!)  I want to date again.  I want to be in love again.  I am scared, but feel ready.  So that looks like healing.  But somehow, I haven't felt healed.  I have known that I was close, but that there was another step.

Today I felt like that final step was revealed to me.  Everyone always talks about learning from your mistakes/past, and I thought I had.  But I had never truly taken the time to think about and appreciate what I had learned not just from that relationship, but more importantly from the healing process.  I think I kind of assumed that you naturally learn from life, but all of a sudden I realized that I have to articulate what I have learned to absorb it and process it and implement it.  And as I began to reflect on this, I was amazed by how much I really have learned and how much healing God has done in my heart and mind without me seeing it.

I have learned that I need to nurture myself and that in a loving relationship my partner will want me to do so.  SE got me to stop going to church and he cut me off from having friends.  I need a relationship with God and with others and a man who loves me will want me to have those relationships and do the necessary things to keep them strong.  I was with SE during my first year of law school, but he made me place his needs and desires ahead of school at all times.  I think it is important to make the relationship with my partner my top priority, but I have learned that my partner should support me enough to not interfere with my success by demanding that he literally come first at every moment.  And I have learned that if I spend time doing something other than catering to a man's needs, it does not mean I do not love or value him.  I have learned that I am mature enough and smart enough to use my time as I see fit.  No man should dictate my bedtime or when I eat or when I work or any other part of my daily life.  I have learned that it is my responsibility and right to do the things I need and want to do and to take my partner into account as I feel is right, not as he demands.  So those are some of the practical things I have learned about how to live my life independently and in a partnership.

I have also learned a lot about what I deserve and how a man should treat me.  I have learned that I am extremely loving and giving and that being that way is a good thing.  Any man who tells me that I should hold back because it makes him feel guilty is right - he doesn't love me enough to deserve me and I shouldn't be with him.  I have learned that if I am in a relationship I should feel valued, not like I am not good enough and must constantly win my partner's approval.  I have learned that I deserve to be respected by my partner not seeking out other women.  I have enough male friends that I accept the fact that a man will always notice other women and think inappropriate thoughts about them.  But my partner should not "notice" them in a way that is degrading to me.  And he should not flirt with them inappropriately.  And he should not talk to them online or carry on email correspondence with them.  And he should not sleep with them.  And, most importantly, I have learned that I should never allow a man to convince me that I have to let him do those things.  I deserve to be respected and treasured enough that my partner will not engage in those sort of activities.  I have learned my own value and that I should only be with a man who values me as well.  I haven't just learned that I deserve to be treated right, I have learned a lot about what that means and how it should feel.  Reflecting on how God loves me has shown me so much about how a man should love me.  I have also learned that I do not need a man to heal me or make me strong; I am good enough alone with God.

And I have learned that just because a man will date me/sleep with me/live with me/marry me does not mean I have to say yes. 

I genuinely feel more fully healed now that I am looking beyond healing from pain to learning from healing.

Good church

Today was one of those really good days at church. 

Actually, I thought the sermon sucked, which kind of makes the feeling I left with that much cooler.  The sermon was about gambling and how it is bad.  I don't think gambling is inherently bad, if truly used as occasional recreation.  I can picture a typically non-gambling couple going to Las Vegas and deciding to gamble up to a set amount of money and that being fun.  Or some old lady buying a lottery ticket every Saturday and there just being something about it that makes her feel good and hopeful.  Or a group of friends going to the race track once a year and betting based on the names of the horses or some crazy system they made up or whatever and it being a fun afternoon.  I also know that gambling destroys lives.  That people lose everything they have, lie to the people close to them, and let gambling interfere with every aspect of their lives.  I also know that to a large extent it is the people who can least afford financially to gamble who get sucked in and exploited by the gambling industry.  So I guess in a broad sense I probably agree that society would be better off without gambling, but it certainly is low on my list of social concerns.  Also, the sermon was ridiculously simplistic - it was seriously "gambling is bad."  I expected it to go a little deeper and talk about "gambling" by the choices we make in life or going through life thinking everything is just about luck or turning in the wrong directions when we feel God isn't providing for us.  But no, just gambling is bad.

But anyway, it was still an awesome day at church.  I haven't been in a few weeks because of family commitments and work.  But I woke up eager to go today, the weather was perfect, I got a good parking space, and I got there early enough to sit where I wanted.  And then every song was just what I wanted and needed to sing.  "Lord reign in me, reign in your power, over all my dreams, in my darkest hour, you are the Lord of all I am, so won't you reign in me again."  "Open the eyes of my heart Lord.  Open the eyes of my heart.  I want to see You.  I want to see You."  "If we could see how much You're worth, Your power, Your might, Your endless love, surely we would never cease to praise You."  "Lord, I come to You, let my heart be changed, renewed, flowing from the grace that I've found in You."  "You're my Prince of Peace and I will give my life to You."  It didn't necessarily go with the sermon, but the songs today were all about drawing close to Jesus and giving your life to Him.  Sure, they are always about that in a sense, but some songs are about how awesome God is or what He has done for us, or lots of other things.  The worship today just really refocused me on Jesus.  It gave me a lot to think about, in a good way, and really made me feel renewed.  You have to love it when church works.